he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
