What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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