I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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