That reminds me...we need to get swords
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
