Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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