I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
