True but thats because hes a fetus.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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