there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
