the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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