I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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