Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
