Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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