this just has baby written all over it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Will exercising make me less horny?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
