I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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