i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
