The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
