You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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