her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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