I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
