I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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