Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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