we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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