God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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