so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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