Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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