We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
