I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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