You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
