What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
