You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
