my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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