You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
