my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
