Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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