you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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