mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You took a bar mat shot.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The struggles of a small town man whore
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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