just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
