the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
