I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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