my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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