Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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