our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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