you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Vodka?
Forever.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
