Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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