The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
