ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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