There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
