actually, I'm a sock model
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
