I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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