I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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