And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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