My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
