for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We need a shit load of segways right now
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize