You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
