maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
